This is a story about a very difficult time in my life which, because it was so stressful, I had to learn to trust. It was, to date, the experience that taught me the most about developing trust and connection with my Self. I am sharing the details of this time in my life as a story to give context to the reader. Hopefully this will make it easier to understand my thought process. While I am a student of A Course in Miracles, I tried to write this using more basic ideas so, as far as the Course goes, it may not be “technically correct” but I think this simplified form is more generalized. Jesus, as the author of the Course would not have a problem with this, I am sure. 😉
We are all in the process of making a spiritual journey (whether we realize it or not) and, while it does require some familiarity with concepts, the real journey (in my opinion) is one of trust. Trust allows us to integrate and transcend concepts and make our journey more than an intellectual endeavor. It becomes a journey of, and into, our own Heart.
First, a few definitions
What I mean by “Trust”
Trust is not acquired through the intellect. When we come to a place where we recognize that our own power and ability to “figure it out” is insufficient to solve the problems we face (internal or external), then we are at the doorstep of trust and faith. Upon admitting to ourselves that our abilities have failed, we may have very little hope. Yet as our mind becomes quiet in the seeming helplessness of this admission, another voice begins to whisper; “maybe there is a greater power that can guide me out of this”. Personally speaking, after struggling with anxiety and depression, I came to a place where I knew that more “advice”, more attempts to “figure it out” had not worked. I needed a healing, and that was beyond my ability.
There is a greater power that is unseen but CAN be felt and experienced. This power is real and will demonstrate its kindness, its caring, and ability to heal any problem as we develop trust in its Presence. When we come to the place where we have exhausted our own resources, we may open to the idea that there MUST be a better way. At that moment we have opened the door to that greater power. If we will then take one more step and ask It for help, we have demonstrated trust. At that moment we have stopped believing that we are alone and made a space for this Loving Power to come into our mind, and heart.
The decision to trust is made easier if we also feel that the power we are putting our hope in is kind, compassionate, and loving. How do we know this is true? Because anyone who is a parent knows that they would do ANYthing to help their own child. If we as human egos are able to have this kind of compassion, how much more so does our Creator.
When we attain a state of healing in one aspect of our lives, this motivates us to trust this Power for healing in other parts. And so another cycle of healing begins; we become aware of another unhealed aspect of our ego self and apply the trust we have experienced to heal any new dysfunction we uncover. We call upon that loving, kind, power beyond our ego and bring our pain and confusion to It.
What I mean by “Sincerity”
A few words about sincerity. Sometimes we are too afraid to ask for the Truth with complete sincerity…that’s ok. God will work with whatever sincerity we can give. The thing we have to be careful of is assuming that we are 100% sincere every time we ask for help. If we assume we are always totally sincere, but we are not getting results, we will blame God for not keeping His promises. (After all, we asked! We did our part, right?) But ask yourself; how could the Creator not keep His Promises? It is also true that we need to be patient but we always need to consider that we may not be completely sincere when we ask for help. There is an unconscious part of our mind that likes being an ego and, on top of that, fears God. In my experience, if I feel a sense of release when I ask for help, then I know I have been sincere. If I don’t feel that sense of release, I keep asking. If I still do not feel that sense of release, I try to have faith that the Answer is coming, God is always working.
What I mean by “Peace”
The world conceives of peace as a lack of war. When the countries of the world are not attacking each other, this is considered to be world peace. But Real Peace is freedom from our own internal fear and conflict. It is a recognition that we truly have no need of fear. Real Peace is internal and is a characteristic of our greater Self. Once we experience it walks with us wherever we go and we see everything through its gentle vision. This connection may be tenuous to start with, but the more we focus on it, value it, and apply it, the more consistently we have access to it.
Real Peace (which I will designate with a capital “P”) is something that develops gradually as we apply trust to clear the emotional and psychological blocks in our mind. Peace is a state where there is no fear because trusting has revealed that the problem we were struggling with was not real therefore there is no need to fight against it. We can relax because we finally feel safe. God has shown us that He is more real than the problem.
As we heal by trusting a greater power, the concern about “our problems” becomes lighter. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes it takes quite a while. There is no set amount of time. God does not favor one person over another because it seems that their problem was healed more quickly. As the Course says; “All expressions of [God’s] love are maximal.” (ACIM, T-1.I.1:4). We will recognize that we are healing when our problem starts to feel less real and threatening to us. It is like a tight knot that is being gently loosened…we begin to breathe easier. Slowly Peace begins to feel more real than our problem. As a reminder there is only one problem; the idea that we are separated from our Source and that idea is false. But we have made the idea of separation seem real for ourselves in countless ways, and because our power of belief creates our reality, we have to be shown, by trusting God, that what we believe is not the Truth. In this process, we may feel that our psyche is being reorganized and shifted. This can be trying but we need to stick with the process. God will make sure that we get across this bridge so that we can accept our healing.
Any physical situation that we saw as the cause of our problem may also change on its own. If it doesn’t, we will at least feel unafraid as we begin to deal with the problem on a physical level. When we are centered in Peace, we have the certainty we need to deal with the world.
What I mean by “God”
[Note; I like to use the pronoun “Him” or “He” when referring to God because I do not relate to “It” very well but I’m pretty sure that God is not a “guy”. Also, I am using “God” interchangeably with the Holy Spirit, Jesus, or any symbol of unconditional love and omnipotence. If you do not relate to the word “God” feel free to use whatever name or pronoun you prefer; Universal Love, Truth, or even “The Great Bob.”]
If we are honest, we have to admit that we don’t really know what God is, where He is, or anything else about Him. But we CAN know what He does, and that is all we need to know.
If I were to outline “HOW” to trust, I would make the following statements, based on my own experience:
Trusting is easier if we recognize these things:
- That He is able to heal any problem that seems real to us. (How could there be anything beyond God’s power to heal?)
- God finishes what He starts.
- That He is kind and caring. (we can assume that these attributes are true because God will heal our minds if we ask, but we must ask sincerely).
These are not necessarily “provable” through intellectual logic but they make perfect sense to our hearts. When we are “broken” and at the very end of our rope, that is when the logic of our heart begins to make sense.
Once we have hit bottom and felt that we have lost everything, we deeply hope that there is a power that can help us see past all of the fear and confusion in our minds. Much like Humpty Dumpty, we hope God can “put us back together” because the kings men sure can’t do it. There is NOTHING beyond God’s Power to heal…yes, we can be put back together, if we will ask this Greater, Loving Power to do it.
Our story begins…
Trusting does not come easily to our egos, which is our primary identification. We don’t generally begin to trust in something beyond our selves until we have exhausted all other possibilities. This is usually when we are in a time of crisis where our world and/or our mental state is in great turmoil.
I recall a time, when I was 24, when I had no job, I was going to lose my apartment, my car had problems, and my marriage was on the verge of collapse.
It came to a head one night when I woke up at roughly 2:00 am sweating profusely. My life seemed to be falling apart from every direction and I could not see a way out. Any one of these problems was large, but all of them together seemed insurmountable.
For the first time in my life I asked for help from a power beyond myself, saying; “If there’s anybody up there, I need help”. I took a short walk in the night air to see if I could calm down. It didn’t help much. I could only sleep minutes at a time for the rest of the night. The following day I went to see a friend just so I could at least talk to someone about this. I was so distraught that my sleep pattern was totally disrupted. When I returned from seeing my friend I realized I had been up for 21 hours.
I had a 20-hour per week job that helped pay some bills and when I got back to my apartment, my answering machine was beeping. My Dad had left a message saying that my grandmother had a heart attack. Since I was the only one free enough to help her, I knew that I had to be the one to fly to Colorado and help. I had planned to try to continue to try to find work in Sacramento so my wife and I could get back together but I could not ignore the needs of my grandmother. I called my wife (currently living at her parent’s home) and explained the situation. I felt as if my life in California was over and that I was throwing my marriage away. Our furniture had to be put into storage quickly and I was pretty sure I would never see my wife again.
I arrived in Pueblo, Colorado two days later and visited my grandmother in the hospital. She was able to speak and seemed to be getting a little better every day. By the seventh day I was reasonably sure she was going to recover so, after my daily visit with her, I went to a relative’s house. He was showing me his model train set up, which he had spent hundreds of hours setting up and was very proud of. The phone rang and he went to attend to the call (this is 1984 when you had to go to the phone’s location to answer it). A minute later he came back with a sullen look on his face. He relayed the message that my grandmother had passed away.
I was stunned. My grandmother and I had always been close. She was very special to me and she had a spiritual light that was pure love. It seemed beyond belief that she would not be here anymore.
As I drove home, I had the sense that it had been a great comfort to her that I had flown out from California to be with her.
My family came out for the funeral and after my grandmother’s affairs had been taken care of and my family had gone back to California, I asked, “now what?”
There is a university here in Pueblo and it was obvious that I needed a new skillset so I enrolled. My objective was to get a degree in Computer Programming, which was a growing industry in 1984.
So, to add to my list of life-stressors, I had just moved, separated from my wife, I was starting college, and a very important person in my life was no longer here. (I am not saying this to claim some kind of “pity prize”. I am just trying to indicate that there were some big things on my mind.) Most importantly there was a deep fear that had been with me all my life that was resurfacing. My heart palpitated much of the time from the weight of all of these concerns. Sometimes I barely felt sane and the stress I experienced felt like it was tearing me apart.
I felt that the whole situation of my coming to Colorado, being able to live in my grandmother’s house while I went to college was part of some plan that had been set in motion. I definitely felt that God was involved in this process. During my conversations with my grandmother, she told me that she didn’t want to be on this Earth any more. She had made up her mind that she was ok with death. At the time, I put this out of my mind and expected her to get better. To me this was all part of a larger thing that was happening. Never in a million years could I have planned this out. It took everyone’s needs into consideration without sacrifice from anyone.
While I felt pain and stress, I also felt that my life was beginning to shift. My physical life, yes, but most importantly, blockages in my mind were beginning to loosen. I was facing all kinds of fears that were coming up, struggling, doing the best I could to maintain some kind of emotional balance. Most nights I went to bed feeling a lot of fear. One night I lay awake my stomach in knots with fear. I tossed and turned until about 4:00 am. Realizing I would not be able to sleep, I got up and went for a walk. I got back to the house at about 5:00 am, remembering I had to be in my first class at 7:30 am.
There is a poem by Rumi called “The Guest House.” In it he says to welcome all the “visitors” (chaotic emotional states) without resisting them. I realized that if I tried to fight them, it would just create more chaos in my mind so I did my best to allow them to flow into and OUT of my mind. Having to focus on my studies was very useful in this regard. Because my mind had something else to focus on, I could let these “visitors” BE in my mind without fixating on them.
As time went on, I recognized that I was in a refining process of some kind. While I did not really understand what was happening, I did feel that the things coming to the surface of my mind were being healed as I allowed them to move through me. It was hard to feel fear and not believe I was being consumed by it. When I would experience an “episode” of fear, I would usually feel defeated and empty, but in a few days, I would feel as though I had been put back together. This echoes ACIM when it says we cannot evaluate our successes or failures because going through the ego can feel like failure as some of the dark places in our unconscious mind are brought to light for healing.
Some of these fears were very difficult. They seemed enormous and terrifying. I knew that this would require a power greater than myself to deal with them. When she was alive my grandmother had a subscription to a monthly Unity publication. There was a daily writing on which to focus one’s mind. One writing in particular was very useful for me. I found not mere solace, but the statement of a principle that became a powerful tool for me. It was this; There is NOTHING beyond God’s power to heal. This idea sounded an echo in my mind. Of course! How could there be anything beyond the Creator’s ability to heal. If there was one single thing that the Creator could NOT heal, then He wouldn’t be God. Therefore, ALL things were subordinate to God’s absolute power.
At first, I challenged this idea. When I felt that my situation would never change, or I felt like I was failing, I would confront God directly by saying to Him; “Really?!? You can heal ANYthing? Even THIS?” It was helpful for me to be angry with God because it helped me be authentic. It was my way of asking for help. I was saying to God; “prove that you can heal this!”
More and more when I felt defeated, or lost, or consumed by fear, I would remember the idea that there was no power greater than God. And if there was nothing beyond God’s power to heal, then even this <whatever I felt at the time> could be healed. It was not easy but I was motivated because my choice seemed to be between sanity or insanity. It was that black or white. Slowly, the more I trusted, the more I found a connection that I could trust. It was literally a Presence that gave me Peace. My conflict and fear were slowly dissipating. This was enormously encouraging.
Progress is not usually “straight forward” and I recall times, early on, where I felt like I was calling on God and N O T H I N G was happening. Somehow, I knew that I just had to keep going. As Winston Churchill said; “When you’re in hell, keep going”. So that’s what I did.
Slowly I noticed that my perspective was changing. I felt more peaceful when I would wake up, instead of fearful. I felt like there was something walking with me on this journey. This became more and more tangible as time went on.
I was enjoying my studies more. Instead of being unsure as to whether I could succeed at each new assignment, I began to enjoy the challenge. A few students who were known to be “really good programmers” told me that I had what it took to be a “really good” programmer, which was helpful validation for me at the time.
I actually felt a sense of intimacy with this unseen companion. I felt as though I could confide in it…tell it anything and it listened…and cared. Along with this intimacy was a very tangible sense of being a larger Self…not to be confused with a larger ego, but a deeper, and more certain sense of Identity that I had ever experienced before. I felt like I had discovered the Answer to everything that ever troubled me.
I was amazed by this. It was what I had looked for my entire life. I saw how all the things, relationships, and circumstances that I thought I would “complete me” were actually an attempt to experience exactly what this larger Self was giving me. I had been playing with toy substitutes. This Self was my Real Identity. It was certain, gentle, kind and compassionate, not swayed by circumstance, and it’s primary feeling is one of Deep Peace.
This Self that we are is deeply kind to ourselves and everyone else. For instance, it tells me not to worry about my ego thoughts, feelings, and motives. If I react to my own choice for the ego, it is ego judging, and then reacting, to itself. That’s how fragmented the ego mind is! My holy Self (yes, this Self is Holy and you will experience this if you keep following God’s loving guidance) tells me that everything I am doing is ok, even if it is ego directed. Our Self does not judge against us for anything, ever because we are always loved, no matter what. This gave me a great deal of Peace. Do I always experience this? No. But just to know that I am never judged, even if I’m not feeling that, is helpful.
This world is immensely complicated, busy, and noisy. But we can still choose how we are going to see (experience) it. When we are in the ego’s thought system (A.K.A. the thinking of the world) what we internally experience fragments our sense of self. We struggle to “try to keep it together” and it is exhausting. The “it” that we are trying to keep together is our identity, our sense of who we are. There is NOTHING in the ego’s thought system that will save us from the inner conflict, self-hatred, and feelings of being lost and afraid. That new flat screen TV, significant other, or pickup truck will not heal our mind. Even experiencing the beauty of a sunset or a forest will not permanently save us although it may remind us of the Peace we have forgotten. There is only one way out. If we are to be free, we must look at the fearful, uncomfortable things we believe in, but look at them in the light of a Power greater than ourselves using Its non-judgmental Love to re-evaluate our beliefs. While our beliefs seem true to us, they may not actually be true, in which case we are believing in lies.
If we believe that 2+2=9 and we try to build a bridge using math that is in error, what do you think will happen to the bridge? If we try to build our life from lies, what will happen to our life? Just like the bridge, it will fall apart.
Until we have come to a place where we realize that we do not know our own way forward and that we have no answers, we will not turn to a power greater than ourselves. This is usually a dark and scary time but it opens the door to trusting.
This doesn’t mean that we should be asking for guidance with every little thing as in; should I cross the street now? Should I breathe now? We only need guidance in matters where our ego could become involved. If the ego has an opportunity to establish itself it will do it and we need to be vigilant about choosing God’s guidance in those situations.
Once we decide trust to something other than our ego, realizing that our own abilities and knowledge are ineffective, we begin to make progress toward knowing and experiencing our Real Self. This is not necessarily easy or linear. But my experience is that, over time we will gain clarity, sanity, certainty, and Peace. Confusion dissipates in the quiet certainty of this beautiful Self that God will reveal to us. We feel as though we are coming Home at last.
And yet this Home is not static. The Peace we experience is not boring. There is an energy and flow to this Self that is always becoming something greater. It is full of hope.
And if you are saying “Sorry, not possible!” right now, that’s ok. You are right! It is not possible…. for our ego self but it is possible when you decide to trust in a power greater than yourself.
Other things I have found helpful
Don’t believe your ego when it tells you that your healing is impossible. When you feel freedom from internal conflict is impossible (and the ego will tell you it is impossible), question the ego’s “certainty.” Use what I call “spiritual logic” to look past the scary limitation that the ego believes is so real. For instance the ego may throw up a wall of fear to keep you from looking at it. Your internal response to this might be something like; “This “wall of fear” seems real but God has told me that it IS possible to be free. Which one is more likely to be the truth?”
Keep the faith. The ego is not the Truth but it will fight to convince you that it IS. Keep trusting that your healing can be accomplished. God completes what He starts. If you had faith enough to call on your Creator for help, there is no way He will let you down. There will probably be times when you are discouraged…that’s ok. During those times, be gentle with yourself and, when you feel ready, set your feet on the path again. Remember: When you shine light on a shadow, the shadow cannot, of itself, choose to remain. The ego is a shadow and it knows it. That’s why it puts up such a big front.
Recognize that, whatever you feel, you are deliberately choosing to feel that way. Look at how you feel in this moment and recognize that you want to feel the way you do. It sounds insane to say to ourselves that we want to feel afraid, or angry, or be a victim, but once we have taken responsibility for our current state of mind then it is possible to change it. We may not be able to see how or why we made this choice because many of our choices are made unconsciously but even if you can say; “I don’t know why I have chosen this but I have because I am experiencing it”, you will feel more centered and more peaceful. Then ask God (or whatever symbol of Love works for you) to help you feel Peace about it.
We can choose FOR Peace or AGAINST the ego; these are the same. Sometimes we don’t have a clear concept of how Peace would feel. At that moment it seems easier to be clear that we don’t like what we currently feel. If we can then just talk to God and say something like; “Please take this insanity from my mind” or “Father you see the pain in my mind and that I do not want it, please show me this is not real”. Later, as we begin to recognize that God’s Love is always with us, we can just turn to that Presence and the pain will be gone.
Be aware of when you are triggered. If I am angry, annoyed, or upset in any way, I have placed the Cause of my upset outside myself and chosen to be a victim of the world. Take your upset to God!!! As long as you choose to see the world (or anything in it) as being in control, change is not possible. Again, take your upset to God. You will accomplish nothing toward your own healing until you do.
Be patient. Trusting does not come easy to the ego self, so we need to be patient with ourselves as we walk toward the Peace that our healed Self offers us. Even after we achieve trust in one area, we may find that trusting God to heal our mind in another is just as difficult. But as Ken Wapnick said in his book “Forgiveness and Jesus: The Meeting Place of ‘A Course in Miracles’ and Christianity”, 6th Edition, page 162, first full paragraph: “The Course repeatedly emphasizes the process of bringing the darkness to the light, our illusions to the truth of the Holy Spirit, and at one point terms part of this process a “period of unsettling”. In the gospel, Jesus cautions us to expect this, even while he encourages us to follow him. The pain of not following him, holding the ego’s hand instead, far eclipses the anxiety of learning to trust only him. Placing our trust in the ego’s nothingness must lead to increased despair.” [the bold typeface is my addition]
I have found many passages from the Course, some from the Psalms, videos on YouTube and many contemporary authors to be helpful when my faith in salvation wavers. I have included some encouraging passages from A Course in Miracles and Ken Wapnick’s book “Forgiveness and Jesus” below. I would like to add that it is not necessary to study anything to remember our connection with Peace, our Self, our Guide, but, it is necessary to decide to trust a power greater than our ego for guidance.
Helpful passages from the Course
Notice the deep love expressed in these passages for us, not only as God’s Son, but “us” as egos. God does not condemn our desire to be an ego so we need not condemn ourselves.
“What can Love ask of you who think that all of this [‘this’ being our unconscious beliefs] is true? Could He, in justice and in love, believe in your confusion you have much to give? You are not asked to trust Him far. No more than what you see He offers you, and what you recognize you could not give yourself. In God’s Own justice does He recognize all you deserve, but understands as well that you cannot accept it for yourself. It is His special function to hold out to you the gifts the innocent deserve.” (ACIM, T-25.VIII.9:1-6)
“Father, You promised You would never fail to answer any call Your Son might make to You. It does not matter where he is, what seems to be his problem, nor what he believes he has become. He is Your Son, and You will answer him. The miracle reflects Your Love, and thus it answers him. Your Name replaces every thought of sin, and who is sinless cannot suffer pain. Your Name gives answer to Your Son, because to call Your Name is but to call his own.” (ACIM, W-356.1:1-6)
(Note: This next paragraph is in regards to special relationships but I believe that this excerpt applies to our willingness in general, not only special relationships.)
“He needs only your willingness to share His perspective to give it to you completely. And your willingness need not be complete because His is perfect. It is His task to atone for your unwillingness by His perfect faith, and it is His faith you share with Him there. Out of your recognition of your unwillingness for your release, His perfect willingness is given you. Call upon Him, for Heaven is at His Call. And let Him call on Heaven for you.” (ACIM, T-16.VI.12:2-7)
“You cannot be your guide to miracles, for it is you who made them necessary. And because you did, the means on which you can depend for miracles has been provided for you. God’s Son can make no needs his Father will not meet, if he but turn to Him ever so little.” (ACIM, T-14.XI.7:1-3)
“So do we bring our practicing to You. And if we stumble, You will raise us up. If we forget the way, we count upon Your sure remembering. We wander off, but You will not forget to call us back. Quicken our footsteps now, that we may walk more certainly and quickly unto You.” (ACIM, W-rV.in.3:1-5)
“The holy instant, the holy relationship, the Holy Spirit’s teaching, and all the means by which salvation is accomplished, would have no purpose. For they are all but aspects of the plan to change your dreams of fear to happy dreams, from which you waken easily to knowledge. Put yourself not in charge of this, for you cannot distinguish between advance and retreat. Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success.” (ACIM, T-18.V.1:3-6)
“We trust our ways to Him and say “Amen.” In peace we will continue in His way, and trust all things to Him. In confidence we wait His answers, as we ask His Will in everything we do. He loves God’s Son as we would love him. And He teaches us how to behold him through His eyes, and love him as He does. You do not walk alone. God’s angels hover near and all about. His Love surrounds you, and of this be sure; that I will never leave you comfortless.” (ACIM, W-ep.6:1-8)
“Truth has rushed to meet you since you called upon it. If you knew Who walks beside you on the way that you have chosen, fear would be impossible. You do not know because the journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it. A little flicker of your eyelids, closed so long, has not yet been sufficient to give you confidence in yourself, so long despised. You go toward love still hating it, and terribly afraid of its judgment upon you. And you do not realize that you are not afraid of love, but only of what you have made of it.” (ACIM, T-18.III.3:1-6)
From Ken Wapnick’s book “Forgiveness and Jesus” 6th Edition, page 308, last paragraph:
“But to be totally ego free is an unrealistic goal to say the least. To be totally beyond our ego would make it almost impossible to function in this world, not to mention render us virtually inaccessible to those who are still very much part of the world.”
In the words of the Course:
“Do not despair, then, because of limitations. It is your function to escape from them, but not to be without them.” (ACIM, M-26.4:1-2)
A more reasonable and practical goal would be to keep in communion with Jesus, that when our ego does rear its ugly head, we can turn to him for immediate correction.”
